Sometimes the darkness is crippling. Sometimes, no matter how grateful I am for every beautiful and positive thing in my life, I’m consumed by the constant struggles I seem unable to escape. I’m tired of worrying. I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of people telling me, “Stay positive, something good will happen.”
I know these comments are shared with the best of intentions, truly. But telling a stressed and depressed individual to be positive? It’s like telling a drowning person to breathe. I’m exhausted – body, mind, and spirit.
All around me is darkness… But if I look closely, I see faint glimmers of warm light. Much like seeing the tiniest traces of stars in a pitch black, cloudy sky. For me, each warm, glimmering light is someone I love. Too far away to touch, but always present – even in my darkest hours.
These glimmers are the only thing holding me to the earth. They are my sentinels. My heroes. And along with my sweet dog – who wakes me up with his head on my shoulder, snoring in my ear – these glimmers in the dark are my reasons for getting out of bed each day.
As much as I wish I could curl into a ball and disappear into the comforting numbness of not feeling anything, I will keep fighting. I will keep praying. I will keep hoping, as childish as the notion seems at the moment.
No, this is not a cry for help. This is simply a cry of truth. My present, personal truth. And I’m not going to hide from it or apologize for it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for others to accept. Honesty isn’t always pretty, but it will always be what you receive from me.
I’m going to close with a quote from one of my favorite writers:
“Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away; and in the end, there is only darkness. Sometimes, we find others in that darkness – And sometimes, we lose them there again.”
- Stephen King