In Reflection

I can’t deny that 2015 was a rough year.  To be honest, it has brought me to my knees in more ways than one.  I’m exhausted, mentally and physically – there have been many times this year when I’ve asked myself, “Seriously – if this is as good as it gets, what is the f**king point?”

Still… In the midst of it all, I have to acknowledge the joy.  I have to pay tribute to what I’ve been given this past year, and express my endless gratitude for those who have played a role in the gifts that made 2015 worth the fight.  My friends, my family, my saviors.  You know who you are.

Here are the highlights:

In April, I decided to rescue my first pit bull from a Houston-based organization.  It was a risk to adopt out-of-state and not meet him in person beforehand, but it was truly love at first sight.  While his separation anxiety definitely caused some problems during the first couple of months, we figured it out and found our flow.   

My Hippo has been an enormous blessing, and he has given me the love and companionship that I didn’t realize I needed.  He forces me to get out of bed each morning – especially when all I want to do is remain motionless under the covers and disappear, he is my reason for facing each day.  He sleeps nuzzled against my side every night, and I have never felt safer in all my years of living alone.  Not even when I slept with a loaded handgun under my bed… And that, my friends, is saying something.

Thanks to the unbelievable generosity of my friend Chassity, I was able to travel to Mykonos, Greece in October.  She would deny it endlessly, but the truth is, had it not been for her – I wouldn’t have been able to go.   

For the first time in my life, I experienced a vacation that was just for “me,” with no agenda, no obligations, and NO expectations other than having the time of my life.  And my goodness, did I ever.  There are certain things I wish I’d done differently, in terms of letting go and ceasing the day… But the lesson learned in that awareness has also been invaluable. 

It’s time to work harder at tearing down the iron curtain I insist on hiding behind.  It’s time to be braver.  It’s time to stop believing that my self-worth is related to my self-perceived flaws.  Honestly, it’s time to say, “Fuck it. I am beautiful, I am powerful, I am worthy, and I am NOT going anywhere. ”

Cheers to those of you who know what I’m talking about – let’s achieve it together.  This is our year.       

I formed some new friendships this year, in unexpected places – both personally and professionally.  Despite an authoritative force working against me in a less-than-desirable environment, I managed to make a lasting impression on some highly respectable individuals, once again receiving validation from the universe exactly when I needed it. 

I learned, once again, that my intuition is stronger than the so-called truths that certain people can create and live by.  I learned that MY integrity is stronger than reputation and illusion.  I learned that having class, is not the same as having status.  And if I had to choose?  I’ll take class, every time.   

I also grew closer to existing friends, and was reminded how fortunate I am to have such a huge tribe of people who love and support me.  Seriously – I may be broke, jobless, and more than ready to throw in the proverbial towel on living life gracefully… But I have too many people cheering for me and loving me unconditionally to do more than bellyache and complain in select company. 

***Ahem, Lacey Marie, I hope you are reading this. ***

And, while it probably goes without saying, but I’m going to say it anyway – I decided to launch this blog in May.  What a journey it has been, to allow my walls to come down in so many ways, and to finally believe that my voice is worthy of being heard.  Eternal gratitude to my friend Sara for helping me get this project up and running. 

I’ll admit, I wish more than anything that this could be my livelihood.  I wish I didn’t have to engage in the ‘Corporate Rat Race’ in order to make ends meet, and most days pretend to be something I’m just NOT… But all the same, having a creative outlet, being able to send my words and thoughts out into the universal void – it has made a monumental difference. 

If you are reading this, YOU are making a difference.  You are reaffirming that I matter, and  you are helping to remind me that this is why I’m here.  Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

So, I have come to a definite conclusion.  2016 is going to be amazing.  This is not to say there won’t be challenges – there always are.  But I am adamant that this coming year will be easier than the last. 

I accept and celebrate the blessings I was granted in 2015, and I am thankful.  I’m ready though, for what’s in store.  I’m ready to be swept away by the unexpected, and I’m beyond ready to revel in the satisfaction that I can still be surprised. 

I’m ready, 2016.  Show me what you’ve got.  I dare you. 

Yours faithfully (and sometimes resentfully, but ALWAYS lovingly),

HMM

5 thoughts on “In Reflection

  1. Molly

    Hi there Mal, thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 I’m so very sorry that you’ve experienced such tremendous losses so close together… I don’t care how old anyone is, that’s unimaginable. And I agree, events like that don’t seem to give strength – they take strength. The people in your life are the ones who give it. I hope you have a strong support system and lots of love in your life! Thank you again for tuning in!

  2. Mal Mellington

    Hello Molly, I’ve known of you for some time, I was married to your Mom’s cousin Fran. Just learned of your writings because your Mom and I are friends on Facebook. I wanted to reach out to say how insightful you are. It takes courage to share the fears and pain one faces on a daily bases and you do that very eloquentIy. In the last year or so my Mom and Dad died and my wife was on life support for three days. Even nearing 70 with so much of living life behind me I was still not prepared for these events. Some say that these difficulties in life make one stronger. I think these events serve to prove how strong we already are. So we stay strong and stand ready to be pleasantly surprised by whatever gifts our future may hold. It’s so true that we are what we are and that’s how we must be loved. Always, Mal

  3. You’ve got this! 2016 is going to be amazing!

  4. This is my first time commenting and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t follow along silently in the background like I have. But I have to give you a giant virtual hug. I know 2015 was rough for you and I’m hoping 2016 is a hell of a lot better!

    I completely understand how having a creative space like this helps. It’s fun and it’s therapeutic at the same time. I enjoy reading your words and I sincerely hope this year brings you even more opportunities to share them!

    • Molly

      Thank you so SO much!!! You can follow along any way you want, I’m just beyond flattered that you’ve been reading. What a wonderful surprise, and I can definitely feel your hug. 🙂 Thanks a million!! xo

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:

<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>